It’s weird when people tell me I’m a fascist because I say civilians should obey police commands. “You mean lawful commands.” No, I mean commands.
Who determines what a lawful command is? The detainee? Do they know the law better than the cop? Maybe. Hardly ever. Certainly not according to the cop.
My wife and I watch cop videos all the time where detainees tell officers they have no authority to treat them that way. As someone who understands a bit about criminal law and procedure, almost all the time they’re wrong—and it gets incredibly tedious watching them be wrong almost all the time.
“Don’t touch me” and “let go of me” are especially annoying. Resisting never goes well. They end up with more charges when, had they simply obeyed commands, they might have been able to leave the scene. Even in the rare instance where a detainee breaks free and runs (which mostly happens when the officer is female), they’re eventually caught, and it goes much worse for them.
There are lots of other annoying objections.
“What did I do wrong?” Something, probably, since you’re interacting with an officer.
“I don’t have to show you my license.” Were you driving? Then you absolutely do—and your registration, and most likely proof of insurance. (Keep these items in a plastic baggie so you don’t have to dig around in your car.)
“I’m not getting out of the car.” Yes, you are.
“Don’t break my window”—followed by shattering glass and lots of screaming. WTF? You didn’t get out of the car, dude.
“Give me my phone.”
“I need to call my father.”
“I can’t breathe” is the classic. I can’t give you an exact probability, but you will almost certainly hear this during an evening of cop-watching, especially if the detainee is Black. I never knew so many people had asthma. My wife and I look at each other and telepathically share the same thought: You’re talking an awful lot for someone who can’t breathe.
Sometimes, the person just wants to cause a scene and force an altercation. This happens a lot. I’ve seen detainees go into full histrionics and exhaust themselves in the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant or in a ditch by the interstate. I’m like, aren’t you embarrassed? Then some seem inexhaustible. I watch drunks struggle and wonder how that’s possible. When I’m drunk, I’m a worthless struggler.
And then there’s the obvious Cluster B personality disorder. My God, there are a lot of those. “Go fuck yourself” or “kill yourself,” delivered with that truly hateful face, is the dead giveaway. Police officers have the patience of saints with these people. There’s no reasoning with a Cluster B type. I feel so sorry for the parents. You know their life was—and probably still is—a living hell.
When the civilian is right, it’s usually about First Amendment issues—and these are professional auditors (YouTubers) who understand the law because they need to, so they can mess with rookies for content and clicks.
There are also times when police act inappropriately. But in most of those cases, the person being detained or arrested isn’t objecting to that; they’re objecting to something the officer is actually getting right. I think to myself, that wasn’t cool—but the detainee has no idea he’s being screwed over.
The point is that a detention or arrest is generally not the time to get into a discussion about criminal law and procedure. Things go much more smoothly if the civilian obeys commands, makes mental notes about what’s said or done, and raises objections later—with a supervisor, a defense attorney, a DA, or a judge—after tensions have cooled.
The problem is that people think they know far more about the law and procedure than they do. Even if they have a hunch they’re right, they’re unlikely to express it in a cogent or persuasive way. Hate to break it to you, but often cops are smarter than you are. And however smart they are, police officers are generally not interested in entertaining arguments—no matter how cogent or persuasive.
This interaction means a lot to you. To the cop, how many times has he dealt with someone like you? All the time. Like all humans, cops rely on typifications to reduce the complexity of a noisy world. If you feel like a number, that’s because you are—the fourth disagreeable asshole tonight. Don’t be a disagreeable asshole. Don’t add to the noise.
When I’m called a bottlicker for advising people to obey commands, I ask what the world would look like if every detention or arrest turned into an in-depth academic debate about law and procedure. It would be like dealing with a child who never accepts hierarchy or cooperates with authority. Does that irritate parents? Have you ever been a parent? Will a kid get more out of childhood by being a good boy—or by being a squirmy little jerk who collapses on the discount-store floor every time he doesn’t get what he wants? Do we really have to go through this again?
The cop knows more than you—or at least you should presume he does. He’s probably right that you did something stupid or wrong. Let him think whatever. Follow his commands. You’ll get more out of life by being a good boy than by being a squirmy little jerk.
So here’s how to interact with police officers so you can either go home—or go to jail—without a busted mouth, a broken arm, or worse.
- Stay calm and be polite. Even if the cop is an asshole. A command voice can feel like assholery—let it go. Be a Vulcan. Don’t talk much—or at all.
- You have the right to remain silent. Shut the fuck up. You cannot help yourself by talking. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Nothing you say has to be used to help you.
Exceptions: “Do you have any guns in the car?” Answer that question—truthfully—with your hands on the steering wheel and the interior light on. Turn the light on as the officer approaches. If you haven’t, ask permission before doing so. Don’t reach for anything unless instructed. If you are a non-citizen, federal law (INA §264(e)) requires non-citizens over 18 to carry proof of immigration registration. ICE can demand to see those documents, and you must show them if you have them.
“Do you have any drugs in the car?” Do not answer. Don’t answer any other questions. - You have the right to refuse searches. Say: “I do not consent to searches.” The officer may search anyway, but you’ve preserved the objection, which may prove useful at trial.
- Keep your head about you. Officers will say things to get you talking. They may delay arrest to avoid reading Miranda. Anything you say—Mirandized or not—can be used against you. Officers can lie. They will gaslight you.
- If you’re with someone, warn them. If you have time, say: “Dude, don’t say anything. Cops will split us up and lie about who said what. If you value your freedom, shut up.” Say it fast.
- Ask if you’re being detained or free to go. If you’re not free to go, you’re being detained. Don’t hassle the officer. He has a tough job, and you’re probably not the first person tonight to annoy him. “That’s his problem”? No—it’s yours. You’re his problem. Don’t be one.
- Don’t attract extra suspicion. Keeping a low profile is wise. “Profiling is wrong.” So?
- Don’t run. Don’t resist. Don’t fight. Don’t even look like you might run, resist, or fight. The cop wants to go home alive, and he’s not waiting to see what you’re about to do. You want to go home too, right? Righteous indignation is a poor substitute for breathing. Your pride will recover.
- Never touch a police officer. “You can’t touch me.” Yes, he can. “Then I’ll touch him back.” No. Touch him and it’s a felony—if you’re lucky.
- Be a good witness and report misconduct later. Observe quietly. Don’t be the guy demanding names and badge numbers in the moment. Just look and remember.
- You don’t have to let police into your home without a warrant. Ask if they have one. If they don’t, they can’t come in. If you invite them in, they’ll go wherever they want and won’t leave until they’re satisfied—or until they find your stash. Cops are like vampires: once invited, they’re in.
- Finally, police can pat you down for weapons. It’s not a search. It may feel humiliating. What—have you never flown before?
These rules are derived from this little video. Watch it. Share it with your friends. Be a good citizen: follow the law and cooperate with the police.
freedom and reason 